Juggalos

Over the years, I've had to deal with a lot of horrible people. Working in retail means that you have to put on a fake smile and act nice to a bunch of hicks that have reason to get up in the morning other than getting drunk on malt liquor and abusing their wives and children, with the occasional two week meth binge. But, in and outside of my work, I've often had to deal with a particularly reprehensible group of people, and they call themselves "juggalos."

It's really hard to describe in words exactly what's wrong with these people. Just to be near them is offensive to all five senses. They smell like a rotten egg that was shit out the back end of a dead dog that's been festering in rancid milk for three years. In addition, they also tend to be missing more teeth than they've got remaining, and their skin appears to have the texture of a relief map of the pacific northwest. It would be hard to imagine that their diet consists of much more than ramen noodles and mountain dew. I'd much prefer being in a room full of compulsive World of Warcraft players for a week than have to be in the vicinity of a "juggalo" for longer than the two seconds it takes to tell them to go fuck themselves.

They also have a penchant for painting their faces to resemble clowns. They don't attempt to look like traditional clowns, though. Oh, no. They only paint their faces in black and white, which makes them look much more like mimes as opposed to clowns. The reason that this is done is because the subjects of their idolatry, the "Insane Clown Posse," happen to paint their faces in the same way. Somehow, these people have managed to create an entire subculture out of these habits, and often refer to themselves as a "family."

Now, if you met a juggalo on any normal day and you didn't know that they were a juggalo, you'd probably meet them and think that they were a pretty normal person. That is, until they open their mouth. Typically, a juggalo won't be physically able to complete a sentence without screaming "whoop whoop" at the top of their lungs, which serves as a type of mating call to attract all nearby juggalos to the general area. You'll also notice, in the process, that they'll typically be missing at least two teeth. Most juggalos are missing more than this, but two is considered the absolute minimum. I can't imagine that there is any other reason for this than that you have to constantly be high on meth to be able to listen to listen to this shitty music.

There is no substance to the music other than talking about murdering people and raping their bodies. You know, if John Wayne Gacy wanted to write an album about killing people and raping their bodies, I might actually listen to it, because he has a frame of reference as to what he's writing about. But instead, these guys - Shaggy 2 Dope and his obese counterpart, Violent J - are just a couple of middle-class white dudes from Detroit who advertise cheap soda and tell people that if they don't buy a t-shirt with a silhouette of a man running with a meat cleaver, then they'll never be accepted.

But, really, this group of people is so much more unattractive than my words can explain. I'd recommend going on YouTube and just looking at a few videos of these juggalos to understand a little bit more about them. I'd hate to advise anyone to violate their brains in the way that you're sure to do if you look at these people, but at the same time, you should be able to recognize these people with ease so that you know who to avoid. And, really, I would never advocate murder in any scenario, but I would not be particularly offended if I found out that every juggalo in the world had been beaten senseless tomorrow. I'm not going to go out kicking the asses of a bunch of armed 14 year olds, but I don't mind if you do it. Just be prepared to face the consequences.