You few who follow this blog religiously (and I know that you do) have probably noticed my lack of recent posts. I have been pestered to no end by some of my real-world friends and colleagues, asking "have you posted anything new lately?" Unfortunately, time and again, I am forced to answer with "no."
So, due to that fact, I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize for my lack of dedication to this blog. I am currently writing several things which I fully intend to post once I am happy with their content. My job takes up a considerable amount of time, as does my chronic alcoholism. I promise you that I will publish more content as soon as I have it edited. I learned early on while I was creating this page that I have a pernicious habit of writing things while I'm inebriated and not thoroughly looking them through to find redundancies or other errors. I am also working on editing some of my previous posts because, as I have read them over several times, I am not happy with my writing.
But stay vigilant, followers. Your beloved blogger will return with heaps of new content soon. My advice would be to check in around the beginning of every week. If things go smoothly, I'll be able to publish at least one piece a week. Thanks to all of you who have read, and thanks to those of you who will continue to read, you mindless drones.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
People with kids.
I don't necessarily hate people with kids. In fact, I wish one day to have children of my own. I would like to imagine that they will be as awesome as me and be strong enough to kick the stupid right out of your stupid kids.
What I do hate, however, is people who can't shut the fuck up about their kids. And there are myriad reasons why I don't ever want to hear about your kids. Here's the top three:
1. Your kids are fucking annoying. All they ever do is eat and shit and sleep. If you tell me about your kids, I will say something along the lines of "Yeah, I remember when all I did was eat, shit and sleep. Those were the good ol' days. All I ever do now is eat, shit, and drink whiskey until I pass out." Most parents find this offensive which, in turn, I find sexually stimulating. When some guy walks up to me pushing a stroller, my first reaction is to say, "What a cute kid! You'll have to give him my number. I've been looking for a drinking buddy. Everyone else I ask to go drinking is too afraid that I'll hit them in the temple with a pool cue if I have another shot of Jameson's."
2. Kids cry about nothing. I didn't cry when I found out that my father had hepatitis and diabetes. Why is your kid crying because you won't buy him a fucking candy bar? Oh, that's right. It's because you gave him a candy bar once and now he's hooked like a marlin on a fucking fishing pole. I would never give my kids something that I didn't plan to give them every time they asked for it. You know the best way to condition your kids into not crying? Train them to eat like real human beings. When I have a kid (hopefully a boy because I don't even want to think about what kind of shit I'd have to endure if I had a daughter) I'm going to deprive him of carrots for his entire young life. And every day, I'll eat a carrot in front of him, acting like it's the most delicious thing in the observable universe (because it is.) Then, when he finally asks me for a snack, I'll eat a carrot in front of him and say "No, you shouldn't eat carrots because they're only for grown-ups."
I swear to god, he'll crave carrots for the rest of his waking life. And I bet my kid will grow up to be a fucking olympian because every time his trainer says "You worked hard today, kid. You deserve a treat," little Cunt (I plan to name my son Cunt) will plant himself on a bench and eat a shit load of carrots because that's what daddy trained him to do. I only wish that my parents had that kind of discipline.
3. All your kid does is take shits everywhere. Unfortunately for you, this is both metaphorical and literal. If you have a kid, you know what I mean. Your child will spend the first few years of his or her life shitting all over your floor. And when he's done with that, he's going to shit all over your emotions. He'll tell you that he hates you, and that he hates everything, and that he hates everything about you.
If you're the typical parent, you should hate yourself even more than your kid hates you. And here's a few reasons why you should:
-You're a liar. You lie to your kids every time that you talk about the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus or the Higgs-Boson. When I have a son, I'll tell him to go to "Show and Tell" and hold up a dead rat in front of the class and say that he captured the Easter Bunny. All of those bible-thumping parents will try to sue me, and I'll get constitutional on their asses. I'll take it to the Supreme Court if I have to. No Jesus freak is going to tell me what to do with my offspring.
-You're a dick. If you're anything like my parents (you probably are) then you probably verbally abuse your kids and criticize them at every opportunity because it makes you feel like you're in control. You probably refuse to let your kids dress the way that they want to and make them feel insignificant. Their only purpose is to please you and make you proud that you produced a little shit-eating monster. Why do your treat them like they'll never be more to you than a way to pay for your retirement? Well, the answer is simple. It's because you treat your kids like a retirement fund. You take advantage of them and you think "well, if I push Cunt hard enough, he'll grow up to be a famous actor and then I can move to Thailand and become a seductive masseuse who gives handjobs for tips." You're a prick, and you know it. Good for you.
If you skipped to the end of this post because you realized that everything I say is correct: good for you. You're one step closer to becoming a martyr for the human race. You will also probably die alone.
If you skipped to the end of this post because you're too upset with me criticizing your parenting, then I hope that you will consider fucking yourself rather than fucking a dude who didn't remember to bring a rubber.
What I do hate, however, is people who can't shut the fuck up about their kids. And there are myriad reasons why I don't ever want to hear about your kids. Here's the top three:
1. Your kids are fucking annoying. All they ever do is eat and shit and sleep. If you tell me about your kids, I will say something along the lines of "Yeah, I remember when all I did was eat, shit and sleep. Those were the good ol' days. All I ever do now is eat, shit, and drink whiskey until I pass out." Most parents find this offensive which, in turn, I find sexually stimulating. When some guy walks up to me pushing a stroller, my first reaction is to say, "What a cute kid! You'll have to give him my number. I've been looking for a drinking buddy. Everyone else I ask to go drinking is too afraid that I'll hit them in the temple with a pool cue if I have another shot of Jameson's."
2. Kids cry about nothing. I didn't cry when I found out that my father had hepatitis and diabetes. Why is your kid crying because you won't buy him a fucking candy bar? Oh, that's right. It's because you gave him a candy bar once and now he's hooked like a marlin on a fucking fishing pole. I would never give my kids something that I didn't plan to give them every time they asked for it. You know the best way to condition your kids into not crying? Train them to eat like real human beings. When I have a kid (hopefully a boy because I don't even want to think about what kind of shit I'd have to endure if I had a daughter) I'm going to deprive him of carrots for his entire young life. And every day, I'll eat a carrot in front of him, acting like it's the most delicious thing in the observable universe (because it is.) Then, when he finally asks me for a snack, I'll eat a carrot in front of him and say "No, you shouldn't eat carrots because they're only for grown-ups."
I swear to god, he'll crave carrots for the rest of his waking life. And I bet my kid will grow up to be a fucking olympian because every time his trainer says "You worked hard today, kid. You deserve a treat," little Cunt (I plan to name my son Cunt) will plant himself on a bench and eat a shit load of carrots because that's what daddy trained him to do. I only wish that my parents had that kind of discipline.
3. All your kid does is take shits everywhere. Unfortunately for you, this is both metaphorical and literal. If you have a kid, you know what I mean. Your child will spend the first few years of his or her life shitting all over your floor. And when he's done with that, he's going to shit all over your emotions. He'll tell you that he hates you, and that he hates everything, and that he hates everything about you.
If you're the typical parent, you should hate yourself even more than your kid hates you. And here's a few reasons why you should:
-You're a liar. You lie to your kids every time that you talk about the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus or the Higgs-Boson. When I have a son, I'll tell him to go to "Show and Tell" and hold up a dead rat in front of the class and say that he captured the Easter Bunny. All of those bible-thumping parents will try to sue me, and I'll get constitutional on their asses. I'll take it to the Supreme Court if I have to. No Jesus freak is going to tell me what to do with my offspring.
-You're a dick. If you're anything like my parents (you probably are) then you probably verbally abuse your kids and criticize them at every opportunity because it makes you feel like you're in control. You probably refuse to let your kids dress the way that they want to and make them feel insignificant. Their only purpose is to please you and make you proud that you produced a little shit-eating monster. Why do your treat them like they'll never be more to you than a way to pay for your retirement? Well, the answer is simple. It's because you treat your kids like a retirement fund. You take advantage of them and you think "well, if I push Cunt hard enough, he'll grow up to be a famous actor and then I can move to Thailand and become a seductive masseuse who gives handjobs for tips." You're a prick, and you know it. Good for you.
If you skipped to the end of this post because you realized that everything I say is correct: good for you. You're one step closer to becoming a martyr for the human race. You will also probably die alone.
If you skipped to the end of this post because you're too upset with me criticizing your parenting, then I hope that you will consider fucking yourself rather than fucking a dude who didn't remember to bring a rubber.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Food stamps are for lazy assholes.
I work in a grocery store, which means that we have to deal with a lot of useless assholes during the course of a day. Most of these assholes buy their food using their EBT cards (I don't know what EBT means, but I assume it means that you're too lazy to find a fucking job, or you're just screwing the system over because you have some grandiose fantasy that the system owes you something.) Most of these people are also drunk or on meth. I know this for a fact.
Our store has a coffee bar in the front of it, and because the coffee bar operates on the same system that the store uses, these food stamp people are allowed to use their food stamp cards to buy drinks. Only cold drinks, mind you, but I have a hard time believing that anyone who doesn't have a job deserves anything other than the bare minimum, which means food, water, and a roof over your head. That means that you don't need to be spending your cash on anything other than food to feed yourself and your family. To use this money that the government has given you (out of my paycheck, of which I lose about a third to taxes) to spend on food, you instead choose to spend it on 9 dollar cups of coffee because you have, essentially, no morals.
Let me clarify. I do not mind that my store is making more sales from these people. More sales mean more hours, and I like that because I am a lowly clerk and, due to that fact, am in constant fear of having my labor hours cut. But the fact that the government allows this kind of misappropriation of federal funds is simply sickening. To give you an idea of what kind of people are spending your tax dollars on overpriced coffee, I'll simply take two seconds to google "homeless man" on google and link the first image that I see. Here it is:
This is a pretty accurate depiction of about 90 percent of the customers that come in, most frequently during the first week of the month. Now, here's the problem: these people have jobs. I don't have an issue with the fact that they have jobs, so much as that they are on food stamps when they don't need to be.
Now, I make about 200 dollars a week. That's not a very decent wage for anyone who wants to live comfortably. I have to live with three people that I hate to my very core. But because of the housing market in my city, it's really my only realistic option.
On the 200 dollars that I make every week, I can afford to do the following things:
1. Pay rent
2. Feed myself
This is as much as I can afford. Every once in a while I will go and have a drink at a bar, but paying 4 dollars for a beer is simply not something I can afford to do in my financial situation. So I would like for someone to explain to me how these people think that they are allowed to have jobs, be drunk almost 90 percent of the time, and still be using food stamps.
I am not on food stamps, because I don't need to be. If I can pay rent and feed myself and occasionally enjoy a beer or two, there is no reason that I should be asking the government for more money.
If you are on food stamps and you're reading this blog, then I hate you for the following reasons:
-You have a computer. If you need money to feed yourself, then you should have sold your computer long ago, you useless waste of skin.
-You have internet access. If you can afford to pay for internet access, (generally 25-50 dollars a month) then you have enough money to feed yourself. And you are probably paying more money in a week for food than I spend in a month.
You're probably telling yourself "I got dealt a bad hand, and the government fucked me over." Yeah, you know what? The government fucks people over. Big fucking deal. Learn to live with it. Food stamps should be reserved for people who have no jobs at all. I don't mind losing a third of my paycheck if it helps people who are in need. I'd rather lose 90 percent of my wages if it went to people who were in need of housing and food, than lose 1 percent of it to self-important degenerates who think that they deserve something because they have been screwed by the government.
If you didn't skip to the end of this post to read why I hate people on food stamps, congratulations. You're probably not on food stamps because you know how to read polysyllabic words.
If you just skipped to the end of this post because you can't understand the meaning of "polysyllabic", you're probably on food stamps. And that's just one more reason that I hate you.
Our store has a coffee bar in the front of it, and because the coffee bar operates on the same system that the store uses, these food stamp people are allowed to use their food stamp cards to buy drinks. Only cold drinks, mind you, but I have a hard time believing that anyone who doesn't have a job deserves anything other than the bare minimum, which means food, water, and a roof over your head. That means that you don't need to be spending your cash on anything other than food to feed yourself and your family. To use this money that the government has given you (out of my paycheck, of which I lose about a third to taxes) to spend on food, you instead choose to spend it on 9 dollar cups of coffee because you have, essentially, no morals.
Let me clarify. I do not mind that my store is making more sales from these people. More sales mean more hours, and I like that because I am a lowly clerk and, due to that fact, am in constant fear of having my labor hours cut. But the fact that the government allows this kind of misappropriation of federal funds is simply sickening. To give you an idea of what kind of people are spending your tax dollars on overpriced coffee, I'll simply take two seconds to google "homeless man" on google and link the first image that I see. Here it is:
This is a pretty accurate depiction of about 90 percent of the customers that come in, most frequently during the first week of the month. Now, here's the problem: these people have jobs. I don't have an issue with the fact that they have jobs, so much as that they are on food stamps when they don't need to be.
Now, I make about 200 dollars a week. That's not a very decent wage for anyone who wants to live comfortably. I have to live with three people that I hate to my very core. But because of the housing market in my city, it's really my only realistic option.
On the 200 dollars that I make every week, I can afford to do the following things:
1. Pay rent
2. Feed myself
This is as much as I can afford. Every once in a while I will go and have a drink at a bar, but paying 4 dollars for a beer is simply not something I can afford to do in my financial situation. So I would like for someone to explain to me how these people think that they are allowed to have jobs, be drunk almost 90 percent of the time, and still be using food stamps.
I am not on food stamps, because I don't need to be. If I can pay rent and feed myself and occasionally enjoy a beer or two, there is no reason that I should be asking the government for more money.
If you are on food stamps and you're reading this blog, then I hate you for the following reasons:
-You have a computer. If you need money to feed yourself, then you should have sold your computer long ago, you useless waste of skin.
-You have internet access. If you can afford to pay for internet access, (generally 25-50 dollars a month) then you have enough money to feed yourself. And you are probably paying more money in a week for food than I spend in a month.
You're probably telling yourself "I got dealt a bad hand, and the government fucked me over." Yeah, you know what? The government fucks people over. Big fucking deal. Learn to live with it. Food stamps should be reserved for people who have no jobs at all. I don't mind losing a third of my paycheck if it helps people who are in need. I'd rather lose 90 percent of my wages if it went to people who were in need of housing and food, than lose 1 percent of it to self-important degenerates who think that they deserve something because they have been screwed by the government.
If you didn't skip to the end of this post to read why I hate people on food stamps, congratulations. You're probably not on food stamps because you know how to read polysyllabic words.
If you just skipped to the end of this post because you can't understand the meaning of "polysyllabic", you're probably on food stamps. And that's just one more reason that I hate you.
First post.
Welcome.
I feel like I need to do something special for the first post on Reasons Why I Hate You. Unfortunately, as I'm currently inebriated, most of my thoughts about why I hate you are too scrambled to actually put them into a comprehensible format right now. So I'll just tell you a little bit about myself and about this blog.
I'm not some kind of magical internet personality who wants to bullshit you into believing that I know how to do anything more on a computer than check my email and copy/paste text into a document. I work at a grocery store and spend the majority of my time there admiring the beautiful women that come in. When I'm not looking at pretty girls, I'm trying to induce vomiting from accidentally glancing at an obese woman wearing pajama pants and flip flops, letting her gut seep out of her shirt like skin colored cottage cheese dripping slowly out of a mixing bowl. Unfortunately I see the latter much more frequently than the former.
I also have to deal with a lot of insane people who think that I can solve every problem in their lives just by listening. These people don't understand that while they are crying and telling me that they just found out they have cancer or that their parents both died in a car crash, I'm actually thinking about having sex or punching a goat in the face. Or perhaps, If I'm in a particularly good humor, I'll be thinking about doing both of those things at the same time.
This blog is going to serve as a repository for all of the otherwise meaningless and offensive things that I think about on a day to day basis. This blog is not really directed at any one person, of group of people, and much of the content will be completely unrelated to things and people that I hate because I have heaps of things better to be doing than criticizing Juggalos or taking a piss on Christianity. As the name would suggest, this page will be mainly about reasons that I hate people and wish that I could live in seclusion in the wilderness and mercilessly slaughter my own vegetables for food. I would kill deer and rabbits just for fun, and mount their heads up on my walls, because I don't eat meat aside from fish. As an added bonus, you can make a pretty cool hat out of a bear's ass and a moose's face.
If you have a problem with anything that you see posted on this blog, you can keep it to yourself. I deal with hundreds of useless, annoying idiots on a day to day basis and I don't need any more of you trying to shit on a plate that's already full of shit. Don't try to pour more water into a glass that's already full. You'll achieve the same result as if you email me: someone smacking you upside the head asking why you're doing something so fucking stupid.
Now that we've established why you will hate this blog, let me tell you about some of the people and things that I hate.
-First and foremost, I hate you.
-I hate your kids and your grandkids and basically every single person in your entire fucking family. I don't ever want to hear about your stupid fucking kids because they're little fucking pieces of shit that broke off of a bigger piece of shit, which is you.
-I hate your dog and I don't want to see your stupid fucking pictures of him chewing on your testicles. My dog is the only cool dog in the world and all of the other dogs suck.
-If your parents are paying for your college, I hate you. The only reason your parents should be paying for college is if it's for them to get a degree with their fucking name on it.
-I would say that I hate Christians but I don't. Because Christianity is just a group of people that have more things for me to hate about them than just their religion. I will not waste my time hating someone for being stupid, because being stupid is a much better reason to hate someone.
-And to further elaborate on the above point, I hate people who are intolerant of people because of their race, religion, nationality or gender.
-I also hate Polish people.
If you've managed to read this far into my first post without suffering a minor stroke, I'd like to thank you. I hope you'll continue to read my irreverent and generally useless thoughts on the human race, and my thoughts about things in general.
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