People with kids.

I don't necessarily hate people with kids. In fact, I wish one day to have children of my own. I would like to imagine that they will be as awesome as me and be strong enough to kick the stupid right out of your stupid kids.
What I do hate, however, is people who can't shut the fuck up about their kids. And there are myriad reasons why I don't ever want to hear about your kids. Here's the top three:
1. Your kids are fucking annoying. All they ever do is eat and shit and sleep. If you tell me about your kids, I will say something along the lines of "Yeah, I remember when all I did was eat, shit and sleep. Those were the good ol' days. All I ever do now is eat, shit, and drink whiskey until I pass out." Most parents find this offensive which, in turn, I find sexually stimulating. When some guy walks up to me pushing a stroller, my first reaction is to say, "What a cute kid! You'll have to give him my number. I've been looking for a drinking buddy. Everyone else I ask to go drinking is too afraid that I'll hit them in the temple with a pool cue if I have another shot of Jameson's."
2. Kids cry about nothing. I didn't cry when I found out that my father had hepatitis and diabetes. Why is your kid crying because you won't buy him a fucking candy bar? Oh, that's right. It's because you gave him a candy bar once and now he's hooked like a marlin on a fucking fishing pole. I would never give my kids something that I didn't plan to give them every time they asked for it. You know the best way to condition your kids into not crying? Train them to eat like real human beings. When I have a kid (hopefully a boy because I don't even want to think about what kind of shit I'd have to endure if I had a daughter) I'm going to deprive him of carrots for his entire young life. And every day, I'll eat a carrot in front of him, acting like it's the most delicious thing in the observable universe (because it is.) Then, when he finally asks me for a snack, I'll eat a carrot in front of him and say "No, you shouldn't eat carrots because they're only for grown-ups."
I swear to god, he'll crave carrots for the rest of his waking life. And I bet my kid will grow up to be a fucking olympian because every time his trainer says "You worked hard today, kid. You deserve a treat," little Cunt (I plan to name my son Cunt) will plant himself on a bench and eat a shit load of carrots because that's what daddy trained him to do. I only wish that my parents had that kind of discipline.
3. All your kid does is take shits everywhere. Unfortunately for you, this is both metaphorical and literal. If you have a kid, you know what I mean. Your child will spend the first few years of his or her life shitting all over your floor. And when he's done with that, he's going to shit all over your emotions. He'll tell you that he hates you, and that he hates everything, and that he hates everything about you.

If you're the typical parent, you should hate yourself even more than your kid hates you. And here's a few reasons why you should:
-You're a liar. You lie to your kids every time that you talk about the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus or the Higgs-Boson. When I have a son, I'll tell him to go to "Show and Tell" and hold up a dead rat in front of the class and say that he captured the Easter Bunny. All of those bible-thumping parents will try to sue me, and I'll get constitutional on their asses. I'll take it to the Supreme Court if I have to. No Jesus freak is going to tell me what to do with my offspring.
-You're a dick. If you're anything like my parents (you probably are) then you probably verbally abuse your kids and criticize them at every opportunity because it makes you feel like you're in control. You probably refuse to let your kids dress the way that they want to and make them feel insignificant. Their only purpose is to please you and make you proud that you produced a little shit-eating monster. Why do your treat them like they'll never be more to you than a way to pay for your retirement? Well, the answer is simple. It's because you treat your kids like a retirement fund. You take advantage of them and you think "well, if I push Cunt hard enough, he'll grow up to be a famous actor and then I can move to Thailand and become a seductive masseuse who gives handjobs for tips." You're a prick, and you know it. Good for you.

If you skipped to the end of this post because you realized that everything I say is correct: good for you. You're one step closer to becoming a martyr for the human race. You will also probably die alone.

If you skipped to the end of this post because you're too upset with me criticizing your parenting, then I hope that you will consider fucking yourself rather than fucking a dude who didn't remember to bring a rubber.